This Cogitative Little Wednesday...

It’s a rush of hormones at once. The uncontrollable sigh deep within your chest penetrates your deepest emotions and before you know it, physical evidence of emotion runs from your eyes. “Typical female”,  I think to myself, looking out my window at the sullen weather brings about tears that have been building up for weeks. I can conclude the numerous reasons why I probably feel this way on this random Wednesday and while I contemplate possible solutions, it does feel good to just let go and cry.

The constant stress from school bombardes my thoughts as I contemplate my probability of succeeding or failing. The failure devil dances around in my sub-conscience and despite all my efforts to shoo him away he’ll never really leave me alone. What’s plan B from here if I don’t make it? I replay the possible scene of my parents looking at me with disappointment in their eyes, embarrassment in their hearts.

The pressure I feel from the mass amount of weight on my shoulders and heart as I proceed to make my own decisions about the people in my life.  Let him go; keep him in my life. Moving on from friends who once brought me the happiest days now bring nothing but distance and the unknown. Within less than a year the people around me have dropped like flies due to no particular circumstances but as simply as I can put it; life.

All of this, I know, is just a part of growing up and coming into my own. I don’t want to look back on my life and know that I started everything too late, I’d rather enjoy my time here on Earth enjoying everything I possibly can before God feels like it’s my time to go. The somewhat dismal days will come whenever they please, but I take comfort in knowing my bright and happy days outweigh the bad. As I end my latest entry I recite this prayer to myself which provides a little strength and peace for the day.

Serenity Prayer

By: Reinhold Niebuhr's

God, give us grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other. 

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.